Mixed Emotions

We just sold our house today. There's a deep sadness that comes with closing one chapter of your life and moving on to the next. The last few years have definitely not been easy ones for us. But they have been character building and life changing for us. It's hard to leave a place that is very comfortable and beautiful. I know that in the grand scheme of things my house was just that....a house and not my home, b/c a home is where your memories are made and where you and your family are, wherever that may be. As a stay at home mom, who's life revolves around and in her home it's a very tangible thing that is hard to hand over to someone else. It feels wrong and is terribly heartbreaking. I have to remind myself daily to keep things in perspective, which is very hard to do when you are going through a difficult journey, but at the same time something that must be done in order to move on.

People keep telling me that God has great things in store for us and that He's in control. I believe this with my mind, but my heart has trouble following. I have to tell myself each day that God IS good and He DOES good and that will never change. I must never forget this otherwise I've missed it completely. I have to trust the words of my friends and hold tight to my faith, even when it is small.

I thought it very ironic this week that Megan's memory verse was Ps 40:1-3 which says "I was patient while I waited for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry for help. I was sliding down into the pit of death, and he pulled me out. He brought me up out of the mud and dirt. He set my feet on a rock. He gave me a firm place to stand on. He gave me a new song to sing. It is a hymn of praise to our God. Many people will see what he has done and will worship him. They will put their trust in the Lord."

That's my prayer today, that the Lord would give me a new song to sing and that I wouldn't look back to what I've lost but look ahead and run the race that is set before me!
In time I will look back on this day and thank Him for how He has so graciously brought me through and I'm sure I will again be in awe of how truly great and awesome He is for all He has done! May He use this time in my life to strengthen me so I may be an encouragement and comfort to someone else who is just as hurting and broken as I am today.
To God be the glory both NOW and always!~

Happy Easter

today's been a pretty crappy day...or I should say, the day's been fine, but I'm the one with the crappy attitude...transition seems to bring the best and the worst out of you...today, unfortunately, it's the latter....tomorrow is Easter and while I should be reflecting on the goodness of Jesus and what He's done for me, I'm once again consumed with feelings of an unknown future and battling discouragement/depression and frustration. Once you've allowed yourself to be consumed with the tangible it's so easy to forget that God is in the midst of it all and is in control of everything. While I still hold to the truth that God IS good and He DOES good, it brings to light the fact that I'm not. Which leads to greater frustration and feelings that I fail as a mother, wife, friend, child of God and person. I often think of the scripture that says, "If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!" (Pr 24:10) Which makes me reflect on the fortitude of my faith. Three and a half years is a long time to be in a wilderness experience, although only a fraction of time that Moses spent, it still seems like an eternity when you're the one in the midst of it. I wish I could say I was a strong woman of God who holds tightly to the hand of God, but I find it hard to remain faithful to Him at times of deep confusion and uncertainty.
Yet, the more I think of it, the more I realize that He IS even closer during those dark hours and how He longs to be gracious unto me and show me compassion. (Is 30:18) I'm human. It's not an excuse to wallow in a private pity party, but it does show that each of us has challenges and struggles that challenge us to go deeper in God when the rubber meets the road.

Today I have to take God's word at face value....do I feel His presence? No. Do I know He's with me and an ever present help in time of trouble...Yes! Do I want to put on a happy face and pretend everythings ok? No....Is God close to the brokenhearted and near to those who call on Him out of a pure heart? Yes. Can I trust Him? Yes....will I...Yes. I choose to rejoice in my times of testing.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3

in the words of the song "Mighty to Save"

"Savior, He CAN move the mountains
My God IS mighty to save
He IS mighty to save!

Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grace
Jesus conquered the grave!"

April 7th, 2009

We recently sold our home....it's been quite the process. Moving itself is hard but when you add on an uncertain future it becomes increasingly overwhelming. The last three years of our "season" in Colorado have been challenging, to put it ever so kindly. Yet, God has taught us so much and brought us to a deeper place in Him that we'd not have come to not having "known Him in sharing in the fellowship of His sufferings." (Phil 3:10)
One thing I've learned is that God IS good and He DOES good, life happens and He remains the same. The biggest lesson I've learned (and am still learning) is the art of "soul control." Getting a hold of my emotions and maintaining a calm spirit. (I highly recommend subscribing to the www.jamesriver.org podcasts. This is the church I went to for 3 years while in college. I think I learned more under Pastor Lindell's ministry while attending there than I did going to school.
Self-control, one of the fruits of the spirits is a muscle that needs much exercise in one's spiritual formation, mine is getting quite the workout as I've been learning to put that one into practice a lot lately. It's very easy to allow circumstances to get the better of you. My wonderful husband gave me a card this week amidst my "emotional turmoil" that said "don't let the worst get the best of you." I've found myself taking many deep breaths and allowing God to breath His life into me as I let go the things of this world and my "false securities."
It's a painful process letting go of the known and grasping the unknown. Yet, "Jesus said, "So, you believe because you've seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." John 20:29